Things we aren't supposed to say

There are things that you are not supposed to talk about when you are an autism blogger.

You aren't supposed to talk about how hard some days are. Or the fact that your child will occasionally hit you, or others. Sometimes that aggression gets so bad you just don't know what to do. Sometimes you are left with bloody noses, black eyes, bruises. Sometimes the child has all the bruises.

So when that happens, what do you do?

You aren't supposed to talk about those things. The readers don't want to hear about your struggles. They come to you so that they know things will get better. They read your blog to hear about all the triumphs that they can look forward to. To hear about the fact that even though things are tough after the initial diagnosis, there is an upside. They want light, and humor, a small grain of truth every once in a while. But readers don't want the struggles.

So what do you do?  Who do you lean on?

I say to hell with what we are supposed to talk about! I say that sometimes the readers NEED to hear about the struggles, need to know that they are not alone.

What do you do when as a parent you are faced with making some of the most difficult decisions for the sake of keeping yourself or your child safe? Whose safety needs to come first? So I am going to share a story that I am not supposed to talk about... Because this is for me, and I need to talk to someone about it.

Wednesday night I made the hardest decision of my life.

A couple of days ago I posted on my Facebook page about struggles the Cat has been having behavior wise. I asked those following the page to share and also to offer any advice. I got no responses. That happens, move on, not the point. The point is that her behaviors continued to escalate. She was choking herself, throwing punches at teachers and other school staff, hitting herself, hitting me, biting, throwing things at people. It was not pretty and it was not getting better.

Her meltdowns have been getting worse. More violent, longer duration, more frequent. She is not getting the support she needs from the state. That's another blog. She is being denied the support she is supposed to have in-school. The PTB solution to her meltdowns at school? Kick out the in-school 1-on-1 support, call me, and suspend (or threaten to suspend) the Cat.

So what do you do?

I did what most of you would do. I called her doc and tried to get an emergency appointment. Well wait he has suddenly dropped all of his Medicaid patients.

So what do you?

I met with her behavioral health case manager. I spoke with the patient care coordinator at the new docs office. I spoke with her AT providing in-school support. I spoke with my advocate. I spoke with her OT. They all told me the same thing... In-patient treatment would keep her safe, keep others safe. They would be able to monitor her meds, adjust the meds as needed. She will learn coping skills, and she will stabilize.  This is what matters. That is what is most important.

So what do you do?

I did the only thing I could do when faced with such a decision. I listened to the team of professionals I have assembled together to help the Cat. Wednesday night I had the Cat admitted for in-patient treatment.

I have felt so empty and so alone ever since. Everything I did revolved around her schedule and her needs. That happens so often to us I know.  I reached out to a few of my favorite autism pages on Facebook and found good support and suggestions for how to move on from here.

So the point of all of this?? You are not the only struggling. I know there are tough choices out there that have to be made. I know that autism is not all Carly, Temple, and Sparks. I know it gets ugly. It is rarely sunshine, rainbows and roses in the beginning. BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I was not alone Wednesday night, or yesterday. And you are not alone either. We all know the dark side is there. We just hide it well with lots of wine and sarcasm that our children don't catch.