What Autism "Looks" Like

I know you have heard it...

"He's autistic? Are you sure? He doesn't look autistic."

That line... OMG how much I hate that line! How do you know what autism "looks" like?

Can you really tell which child in a group of children has autism and which one doesn't?

Let's test that theory.  Here are pictures of children, all shared with permission. Pick out the one with autism.

All these beautiful smiling faces. Which one has autism? Can you find the one? 

PSST I will tell you a secret... It's all of them. All these wonderful children fall on the spectrum.  Where doesn't matter, it's not the point of this post. What matters is that I bet you could not tell.

Here let's try one more bunch. Which of these children is on the spectrum?

The answer? None!! None of these kids are on the spectrum. Do they look any different from the kids above? 

Nope!! 

Wanna know why? Because there is no "look" to autism.

You can't tell if a person is a drug addict, or a thief, or a rapist by looking at them. You can't tell is a person is a judge, or a student, or an athlete simply by looking at them. So why would  you think that you can tell someone does or does not have autism by looking at them?

We as adults try to teach our children not to judge people based on how they look, the color of their skin, the clothes they wear. And then someone says that your child "doesn't look autistic." What message does that send? It is still judgement, based on looks. It's the same damn thing!

Don't do it! If you have questions about autism, ask us! 

We are happy to educate you. We will do it nicely when you ask. We are likely to lose it all over your pretty designer shoes if you come at us with a line "She doesn't look autistic."

With the new numbers released by the CDC yesterday, 1 in 68, chances are autism has touched your life. You may not know it, but chances are autism has touched your life. It could be a close friend. It might be at work, or church. Maybe the checker at the grocery store, or your accountant. 

 When a parent comes to you and says "My child has autism." The last thing we are looking for is your judgement. They are looking for understanding. We are trying to explain behaviors in public. If you feel awkward and do not know how to respond then don't. Trust me, we will appreciate the moment of quiet in our lives.

BOTTOM LINE: You can't tell by looking at them. And even if you could does that make them any less worthy of your time? Your acceptance? Your attention? NO!

Just think before you speak ok?

When Parents Become the Problem

I know, I know. Those are fighting words and y'all are probably screaming at me in your head, but hear me out.

Have you ever wondered why the schools keep trying to short change our kids? Or get away with violating rights? Don't they know that we are educated and we will fight like angry grizzlies to protect them? We won't back down and we won't five up until we have proven that our children need these services and cannot be written off. So why do they keep trying?

ANSWER: Because there are some parents who won't fight. There are parents who don't know their rights. There are parents out there that just trust the schools. Y'all know the ones I am talking about.

These parents are happy to complain about how their precious child is not receiving services. They will ask you how you got those services for your child. They will ask you for help. They will ask you to go to meetings with them.

So we (the awesome experienced sped parents that we are) will help them. We will tell them how to get private evaluations don. How to get the school to agree to evaluate. We will tell them what steps to take, from the initial meeting to the due process hearing.

And what do those parents do?

They look at us like we are speaking a foreign language. Then comes the real kick in the stomach. "I can't do ALL THAT."

ALL THAT?!? ALL THAT?!?

Homey,  that is what your life is going to become. That is the club that you have joined.

IEP meetings, phone calls from the school, evaluations, therapies. These are the days of our lives.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB!

Yes it is a lot of work. No, it will not be easy. Yes, it might get better.

How?

By educating yourself about your rights, and the rights of your child. By showing the school enough evidence they can no longer deny services. By standing up and saying "NO! I will not let you do this anymore. I will fight back."
But there are parents who will not do this. They will talk in circles. They will think "OH, I will just wait. They will see. If I talk enough they will agree. I don't need to try, it will come."

So what does that mean for us? The parents who gear up for our meetings, who know that getting services can be like pulling teeth.

It means that those parents have become the enemy.

They may ask for our help, but they don't really want it. Sadly, there is only so much we can do. We cannot make these parents want to fight for their kids. We cannot go fight for them.  If they wont help themselves, won't avail themselves of the organizations that are out there to help, there is nothing we can do.

Much as you may want to if a person is not willing to put in the effort then you cannot make them.

And as long as those parents are out there the schools will not change.

And that hurts us all.

So my advice? My two cents on the subject?

To the parents who fight, the ones that are willing to do the work. CONGRATS!!! Keep up the hard work. Give yourself a pat on the back.

To the patents who want to ask for my help, and then not do anything, the parents who say "I can't do all that." Don't come complaining to me! I don't want to hear it. I have enough going on in my life, enough of my own battles. I cannot fight yours too. If you don't want to listen to what I am saying, to help yourself, then don't come and expect me to do it for you.

Harsh? Yes, probably.

But guess what guys, nothing is going to change until we make it change. I think its time for some tough love. Step up and help yourself, or don't. But if its "too much", or "all that", then find the door because I don't have time for you. If you want my help, I will help. If you actually want to make things change, make things better, I am here for you. Otherwise, keep it out of my life.